Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
