You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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