highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
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