Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
