The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
