two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
