Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Little spoons don't ask big questions
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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