i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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