be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
