Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
