If that was your dad, he is hot
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
