How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
