Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
