you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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