I accidentally had phone sex last night
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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