pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
