Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
