I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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