I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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