Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize