oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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