making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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