what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
