Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
