Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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