Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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