I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
