why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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