fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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