Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize