You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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