I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
