And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize