Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There's always time for handjobs
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
