I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
