I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
