I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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