today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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