remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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