yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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