She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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