i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
