Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
