My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
