Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
