So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We're not piercing ourselves today.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
