if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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