I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
