i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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