maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize