Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Randomize
