i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
