her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
