I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
