Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize