Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
