doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
