Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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