I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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