I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I understand Curling. That high.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize