Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
