when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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