My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
