Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
