You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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