Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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